A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should at least tell you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So,the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun."You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with
the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump. The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, plummeting to his death. The blond was very upset and handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money. Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump." The blond replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Tom took the money.

Subject: Holy Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

Subject: Salesmanship
Little Johnny
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good, "said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. 'Hey, this tastes like shit!! Then I would say, "It is shit---Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You Know", he says, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike a up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So lets talk?. The blonde who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know'. how about nuclear energy?" "OK" she says. "That could be an interesting topic, but first may I ask you a question? A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff. Grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out flat patties and the horse produces muffin shaped poop. Why do you suppose that is? "The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't got a clue?. "So tell me" she says, "how is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear energy when you don't know shit?"

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and

says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir",

replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your

sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right

it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it

lower!"

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being

104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No

peer pressure."

Grandma's Oranges
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at
it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a

check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a

rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She

looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then

realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's

great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

A Milking farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly discovered that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual, but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service
Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming in to work today."

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through thefirst semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school. Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father."Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education arecoming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!""That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?""Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into thecourse." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls hisfather again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks."Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, thatthey've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!""READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him inthat program?""Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "His father sends the money.The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find outthat the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he getshome, his father is all excited... "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to seehim talk and read something!""Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got outof the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing' around withthat cute little redhead next door" ?The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog"."I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did!""That's my boy!"

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings" The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance fromtown, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance fromtown. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hookerand I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantlypaid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just satin the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxidriver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A young blonde lady was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try! "The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO"!!!

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (You're gonna love this.) (It's a real treat.) (A masterpiece) (wait for it) The manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?)

Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer,

who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting

progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has

your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she

said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a

cop."

A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is
feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide
open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What
did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear.

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear view greeted her as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"

Top 10 Reasons to come to work naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

The Miracle of Toilet Paper


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything,
I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing
it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow
larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you
really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day
will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.