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I woke up just this morning to a bird on my windowsill...
With little notes of heaven, coming out of his little
bill.
He sang of far away places so bright and gay...
That slowly all my worries began to float away.
Then I walked towards the window on my way out of bed...
only to close the shutters, and CRUSH his little head.
A good friend will help you move.
A great friend will help you move a body!!!
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....
1. I
can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll
try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited
us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent
mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing
the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for
freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to
burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion
would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I
throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were
going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without
a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume.
Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to
stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40.
Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine withdrawal headaches, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often
as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what
sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12.
Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and
ask why the poems don't rhyme
14. Put mosquito netting
around your work area and play tropical sounds
all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party
because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19.
Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep
a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Tell someone to
read this to make them smile... it's called
therapy.
Boogie Through Life!
Don't cry because its over,
smile because it happened.
Pain and Suffering is inevitable
but Misery is optional.
Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called: The Present.
Life is what you make of it...
kinda like Play-Doh
Everything is always okay in the end,
if it's not, then it's not the end.
Here is a test to find whether your
mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.
So be happy!
Don't let anything burst your balloon!
Boogie through life!
"Quick, take off your pants if you want to live."
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
"Little do they know, I'm stealing their shirts and using them for evil purposes."
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" ..... She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a True friend will be sitting next
to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete'
and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher.
*During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines
a patient to be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a
bucket to
the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
or
2. Would you use the teacup?
or
3. Would you use the bucket
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A
normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal
person would pull the plug."
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?"
She asked.
The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
To which the lady replied
"Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said,
"I'm westing!"
How long a minute is
depends on what
side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come
nothing is free yet?
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp,
some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very
nicely in the same box
So, is it better to corrupt innocent people to evil than try to befriend
someone already shroud in darkness?"
"It's interesting what normal people find amusing."
"Your ignorance amuses you, me, everybody."
"Not many people go into Wal*Mart and decide: 'Look! I can be god!'
"Not everybody could fill David Bowie's pants."
"You get enough people
in a room, and that topic inevitably comes up."
"Critique me tomorrow when I'm actually wearing something."
Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching
with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began
to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped
out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Words of Wisdom :
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
"One who tries to understand the entire universe will understand nothing. One who tries to understand only oneself,
will understand the entire universe." -Douglas L. Beck
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearestpizza
shop, Place an order and when they go to deliver it,catch a ride home with them.
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